My mother never missed a chance to celebrate life. Her name was Sirin, that meant “cutie”. She used to play many instruments and invite everyone who would like to celebrate whatever came along in life with her. We always saw her happy with this big smile on her face. She used to tell me that her children were her biggest accomplishments in her life. I never understood how she always managed to stand strong and found the right words to say to make things alright. She was a single mother, who raised two kids in the best way she knew, and this carried on until the day she was gone. The day when me and my brother felt, for the very first time in our lives, completely lonely.
When I left my home in Turkey to chase a dream to come to America for a brighter future, my mother was my biggest supporter. She was there when I had a heartache, she was there when I was sick. For all the good times and bad that made my most unforgettable memories, I felt her existence by my side. I did not quite understand until I became a mother myself two years ago, how a woman can show that much strength by herself. Now, I am on the other side of the mothers’ day card. It feels like a never ending learning process how to mother a child.
It is confusing at times and contradictory. Patience is the most important virtue when mothering a child. Some days, while I am at work, and my little boy is sick with the babysitter at home, I can not help my mind from traveling home and worrying about him. When he is sick and away, I feel grief about the times I yelled at him for playing on my computer keyboard with his toy cars when I was trying to work. His first day in daycare I found myself worrying about the possibility that he might not be able to talk to strangers and ask for water and that he might suffer from thirst. To be a mother, as a friend put it once, is a sickening thing, indeed.
I have been living in United States for the last 13 years. A couple years ago, my mom got sick. She was taken to the hospital. My brother was by her side as I lived in the USA and I could not be there every time I was needed. She was sent back home with no diagnosis. Then she got worse. Hospital again. Home again. Hospital one more time. She was apparently suffering from something they could not name – or we were not given the right information regarding her illness. When she was home over the weekends, seeing my little son on the webcam was her biggest joy. [Read more...]